Tis the season to be....

.....watching the pennies.


As you may know, I'm very slow in being organised for Christmas.  My wife has bought presents for all and sundry, and they are wrapped up neatly and packed away from prying eyes until the big day.  I'm like a big kid, itching to find out what deodrant my wife's got me!.....only joking.   In the Clarke family, we've been celebrating Christmas in a frugal (tight) way for many years now.  A name gets picked out the hat, and in this season of giving and big-heartedness you spend.....to the value of £30....no higher.   I picked out my sister and bro-in-law.  They've opted for a fancy food processor which probably costs more, but I'm contributing £30 towards it.  Who said the thrill and excitement of Christmas goes out the window when you get older.  On Jo's side of the family, the usual tradition is to be very competitive and spend sh*t loads.  Every Christmas is the same...on the day itself, you unwrap these "gifts" and pretend to like them by saying....."Just what I was looking for...thank you SO much", whilst trying to be as sincere as possible.  You can pretty much guarantee somebody's bought you the wrong type of moisteriser and you just smile sweetly.  The wife is annoyed with her wrong gifts as well.


In my opinion, quality is better than quantity.   So I've bought my wife just one gift....I say "bought".....What I actually mean is...."given"......he/she is due end of January!  Saves on the wallet!  That's the frugal Clarke in me once again.  You wait till baby arrives, then my wallet will be opening regularly.


Here's a couples of snowy pictures of my little border terrier, Ruby....aaaah!

"Tightening every fifteen minutes"...and other curious statements....

Wednesday last week saw my wife and I attend the first of four ante-natal classes. Session 1 -  "Heavy breathing".  The two likeable and talkative mid-wives who have probably delivered more babies than devoured hot dinners were doing a spectacular and very amusing demonstration on how the mum-to-be should breathe as they near delivery. Think these ladies would be good contenders for a certain 0898 call centre.   There were five other couples in the room listening intently to the mid-wives.  It wasn't just a case of - they talk, we listen...but get interactive.   Yikes...Daunting stuff!  It was like a workshop affair where each person in the room was given a card with a familiar pregnancy scenario.  You read it out, and discuss.  Mine "Tightening every fifteen minutes" caused some amusing reaction from the blokes....
"That's what got my wife into this condition in the first place!...." (childish sniggers all round & high symbol required).
Another bloke held up his card...."My pants are wet".  He was then promptly given directions to the toilet....So again, sniggers insued....The seemingly foreign language used to describe female bits were quite baffling.  "I have a show" was on another card.  I have a show....weekday mornings between 4 and 7!

"Oh you shouldn't have".....and other stuff

Last week, I heard the worrying news that my Uncle Malcolm had suffered an acute stroke.  He'd not been well for probably the best part of 18 months, and friends and family have been rallying around and visiting him frequently in hospital.  The latest is that he's slowly recovering.  Apparently he's aware of what's going on around him, but it's a case of two steps forward, one step back at the moment.  Thoughts and prayers go to him and the family at this time of anguish.

Pops birthday & "old faces" meet-up

Last Saturday it was my Dad's 65th birthday, so he's now able to collect his pension and enjoy all the other trappings and benefits being "old" brings.  Mind you he's been using a bus pass for a while now - anything to save the pennies eh Dad?!  The whole family tribe got together on Sunday at a big family pub near Swindon.  Catering for everybody's needs, even for the tiniest members of any given family with grubby looking high chairs that had frankly seen better days.  Sunday being Carvery day, me and the wife had to be awkward and choose something off the regular menu.  A huge plate of Beef and Guiness Pie with veg and tatties.  The pie crust almost covered the surface area of the plate with a whole load of meat underneath, so well worth the £8.50 I paid.  Good food, nice company and then back to my sisters for homemade calorie laden cream cake!  

Prior to this, on my radio show I'd been asking for the listener (being the perfect search engine audience) to submit their suggestions for birthday gift ideas for my Dad.  In the past I've always asked him what he'd like, and I duly buy him what he wants, and there's no element of surprise or excitement.  Last year I seem to remember contributing towards the cost of a blood pressure testing monitor.  Sexy!  Not the obvious gift idea that springs to mind.  Practical!! -  it's what he wanted, so that's what he got.  I can always rely on the creative juices flowing from the co-workers at Ikea during my radio show.  I had suggestions for:-

• Skydiving voucher
• Viagra tablets  (both of these ideas giving a "rush", but in vastly different ways.)
• Bigger medicine cabinet
• Box of drugs

Sadly in the end, as amusing as the suggestions were, I don't think he would have appreciated them, so in the end I gave him money.  He couldn't decide what he wanted, so an envelope was handed to him during our pub lunch.  Bet he wishes he was a kid again when birthdays were so much more fun!

Out of the blue the other day, I had an email from a friend of mine wanting to meet up. I've not seen him in about ten years I think.  Andy's living in Glasgow now working for a drinks company, and gets to enjoy the obvious benefits that go with the territory.  Nice work if you can get it.  Every now and then, he has to sample new drinks which must be a real burden!  He's been trying to meet up with some "old faces", me being one of those old faces.

Very nice to meet up with him, and his kids, Rachel and David who I've not met before. Pub lunch was the order of the day, and a walkabout near Salisbury Cathedral.  Decided not to go inside as we saw the prices on the door!  Quite happy to admire the view from the outside.  I think the kids enjoyed their little tour of the City, although I'm not so sure about David...

Already been a year...

It was our anniversary weekend last weekend.  An eventful time was had, and not necessarily for all the right reasons.  We booked into a hotel in Bath, very conveniently situated within 5 minutes walk from the train station which is always a bonus.  The staff were friendly and polite, however not the same can be said about some of the hotel residents.  Unfortunately a stag party of five had booked into the same hotel, the same weekend and on the same floor, in a couple of rooms opposite.  I sound like I'm "old before my time", but the noise was deafening both nights we were there.  Shouting, screaming, general loutish behaviour - "right thugs" or "yobs" as my parents would describe.  My normally calm, mild manner was replaced with an outburst having been subjected to this level of noise for quite some time.  The anger churning up inside me was too much to bear, so out came this tirade of colourful language (again, something my parents would say), and a sort of round-about apology came back.  On refection, I should have just phoned down to reception and asked them to sort out the noise.


Down for breakfast the following morning, Jo and I quickly scuttled off down stairs to avoid an embarrassing meeting in the corridor.  Only to be greeted by several buckets in the lounge area collecting water from above.  It transpired one of the "stag drunks" had managed to break the toilet cistern, and water gushed freely down into the hotel room below and eventually into the lounge area on the ground floor.  In causing all this destruction, he ended up in A&E bleeding hideously.  So in conclusion, a bit of a blight on our romantic weekend away.  Here are some photos taken while wandering the streets of Bath.  Couldn't resist some poses!......

Back to earth with a bang this week with car problems once again.
The heat shield over the exhaust has been rattling for weeks and I finally got it replaced. £61 later down my local garage.  I have a special relationship with them, I think I spend more time with them than I do my wife.  They welcome me with open arms and £ signs in their eyes.  "Mr Clarke, nice to see you....again.  What can we do for you this time?"  My overall aim is to keep my rust bucket on the road for about another four or five months before replacing it with NEW in March/April time 2011.  I've never bought NEW before, and so many people keep offering their opinions, some unwelcome ones, but I want to hold on to my new car for many years, so depreciation - doesn't worry me.  Keep saving then Rog.  My wife would sometimes like to see me open my wallet.  I wonder where I get that from?

Been a "sturdy" week

For those who know me, you would have heard me waffle a lot on the latest developments with my wife.  She's 4 months pregnant and now "showing".  Earlier this week while walking the dog, (see cute picky from previous post), I got chatting with one of my wife's friends, and she commented on how she is "blooming" and "glowing".  Curious expressions which only get used to describe someone pregnant.  The other day in a spontaneous moment of romance, the wife threw her arms around me and said "You're quite sturdy now aren't you"......It was one of those "....and then the room fell silent" moments. I still don't know if I should take that as a compliment. Think the dictionary definition of sturdy should inflate my ego though. 

Pregnancy (or otherwise) can cause embarrassment though.  I recall an awkward moment my wife's dentist had recently.  Obviously, most of the time, the dentist would only see his patients for the annual check-ups, so body changes can occur!   Conversation went something like "Oh, you're looking radiant....any day now!"......long pause and face like thunder....."I'm not pregnant" came the reply....Oooops.

Not a good week for a friend of mine.  Driving to Liverpool up the M5, he got pulled over by the police, and read his "rights", and to be told he's been driving without car insurance since April.  Nowadays, special technology in their cars allow them to be able to find out all your personal details just by scanning the number plate. At car renewal time, said friend arranged another 12 months on the internet, and was given some reference number by the company, only for them to deny issuing this number.  Transpires that he wasn't astute enough to realise he hadn't been charged the annual premium on his Visa.  Five months passed by and had forgotton about it, only to be reminded by the police at side of the M5 in Warwickshire.  Ooops.  What's more disturbing, he's an accountant.  If he can't sort out his own finances, who can?  He's waiting to see if he'll be charged or let off due to an honest mistake on his part.  £800 later, he got his car back....how's your week been?

Pint and a half

The weekend involved beer with a friend in the sunshine and puting the "world to rights". How come we seem to be able to competently solve the major issues of the world over a pint?  Recently "That Mitchell and Webb look" did an amusing sketch on this in their latest series.  Something to do with important decision making over a pint an a half.  More than this, and the brain becomes addled and fuzzy, and given the position of power, you destroy the world with hasty choices.  

This week my patience levels have been tested to the extreme with the comings and goings of our next-door neighbours.  Probably a sweeping statement, but whenever there's rented property nearby, you know the place is never going to be looked after properly.  The current tenants decided at 12.30am on Tuesday that they would load their belongings into the back of a van.  Banging, crashing and scraping of heavy items from one end of the van to the other, ensued for 2hrs.  So instead of waking at 2.20am for my regular early start, I was woken abruptly from 12.30am and seething with rage until I left for work.  We now have new tennants, but the old ones still keep coming back.  Who has a key?  Everybody it would seem.  Do you have a key?  I'm onto the landlord later to have a Victor Meldew rant.....Oh and I've just noticed the new tennants have not one but FOUR cats.  I'm sure they'll soon be dumping their load in our garden!

Walking the dog a lot this week has seen me attempt to reverse the onset of "fat watch". The pasties afterwards haven't helped though.  Back to decision making:  Chatting to other dog walkers when you're with your dog is another way of achieving best results.  Maybe politicians should adopt this approach, "walk the dog followed by a pint an a half".  Must surely be better than sitting in a stuffy House of Commons dithering.  

Just cos I like it, here's a picture of my walking companion again....

You may now kiss the bride....

Friday was the day of the wedding that everybody in my wife's circle of friends have been talking about for months and finally it was here.   Wendy and Chris were getting married.  A perfect day, with great photos, only hampered by the good old British weather.   Rain, rain and more rain, all day, so lots of lifting of dresses through puddles, and that was just the ushers and the best man!

Naturally, the bride had all the attention that day, but I think the bridesmaids buffed up pretty well, especially the one in the middle - that'll be my wife then.

As always with weddings, timings were running over and the "daytime shift" overlapped into the "evening shift", so just as we were all finishing desert, (not sure about marzipan covering chocolate - should only be allowed to cover fruit cake), the evening guests arrived, and no sooner had they turned up, the Vol-Au-Vents and cheese & pineapple on sticks appeared - sounds like a kids party.

The whole process of who to invite for the whole day and who to include only in the evening is always a source of confusion and amusement.  Obviously your nearest and dearest friends and relatives come along to the whole show, but if you invite someone to the evening only, you can tell by the expression on their faces when they turn up...."Obviously I'm not good enough for all day....TUT"....For God's sake, be thankful you were invited at all.

There's always one complete idiot of a middle-old aged, "should know better" bloke who THINKS he can dance and do all the right moves.  He most certainly does move, but not necessarily all parts at the right time.  He did that run up, like kids do at the school disco, perfectly demonstrated by the comedian Peter Kay.  He skidded on his knees on the shiny floor and promptly crashed into the DJ equipment.   Afterwards the red faced fool limped away having damaged not only his pride but his ankle.  I was told that his night was officially over, and went to the hospital with a sprained ankle.   What a....


Then came The Foundations and "Build me up Buttercup"....that had to be a request from my wife.


As is often the case, I was led astray....Double JD & coke has probably destroyed the last remaining brain cells I have, before long my brain will just be an empty shell.


The last fews days have been somewhat mundane, dog-walking and getting thoroughly soaked.  Met a familiar dog walker today who is due to have her baby NOW.  She was relaxed about the fact she could "pop" any minute....I was far from relaxed, because there were no other dog walkers around at that time, and I don't have any mid-wife skills.  She's due to go to a barn dance this weekend, if she hasn't already popped!  Curry and barn dance - perfect combination for baby's arrival into the world. 

Nerd night

That time of year again.  Every two or three months, a group of radio presenters from stations around the UK get together, famously known as nerds.  Up for discussion, were the usual topics including favourite playout systems, jingle packages and production skills. Basically we bore the pants off eachother and the people in the vacinity, so by the end of the night, it's just left with us in the drinking hole, and as everyone else has been bored to tears, they've voted with their feet!

Swindon was the venue on Friday night - my old home town of nearly twenty years.  Into the centre of town, normally groaning with teenagers taking full advantage of cheap booze, it was decidedly quiet.  I think they were all in the restaurant we had booked into.  The queue was meandering out the door.  It was one of those "all you can eat" Chinese venues which pleased our group.  Several going up for seconds, thirds, etc.  I can only describe it as a school canteen for adults.  It was busy with noise and people walking into you with plates piled high.  Not the place for a first date, but good enough for us.    

Some of the regular "nerds" from the north had dropped out, but we had the usual crowd including top blokes that are Matthew and Alex plus a few newbie additions which was nice.  One of them, a local presenter in Swindon, was clearly multi-talented.  He also owned three pubs in and around the town, and he was clutching keys!

To Old Town we went and perched our bums in the corner of his real ale bar and stayed there all night, until 3.30am exchanging stories.  Charles Nove was doing a hilarious and LOUD "voice-of-the-balls" recital of a text from a listener who was afflicted with paget's disease.  I noticed some very bemused faces from some of the locals.

Saturday morning, and it was a fry up down the local supermarket which did a very effective job of soaking up the previous night's over-indulgence.  How very showbiz.  Ummm.

"Say cheese" or naughty words

Monday was a marginally smarter day for me in the studio as my photo moment had arrived.  See previous post.   The presenter who's on after me, John Griff, is a keen photographer, and he was in early, meaning business.  Next door to my studio he was setting up lighting, screens, and the tripod for the camera.  So after the show, with my "Sunday best" on, I had a lens shoved in my direction at various angles.  For a moment, I felt like a model and all important.  I think the photos are being emailed to bosses at Ikea so they can put a picture to the voice, which will shatter their illusions of masculinity.  Or they'll be used as target practice.

Which is better - mean and moody or the sickly grin?  I was told not to pose wearing headphones, as I look like I'm impersonating an elephant.

Met up with a friend of mine this week who enjoys a few frames of snooker, so went down my local club for exactly that.  Beat him!  Hah!  Not that I'm competitive or anything.  Actually we spent more time gossiping about various people and the annoyances of life, than getting down to the game.  If anybody had overheard us, they probably would have thought - they're like a couple of old moany women.  It's an age thing.  Conversation a bit like this...."What do you think about so and so?"  "Oh I know, I've been thinking that for a while", came the reply.  

I feel sorry for anybody that is obsessional about doing certain things in a certain way, and going over and over the same routine.  A neighbour of mine spent 5 hours washing, vacuuming and polishing his car this week until it gleamed to perfection.  It was fascinating to watch although I didn't spend the whole 5 hours observing through a gap in the curtains.  Honest.  

Photo opportunity

Earlier this week, the lovely guys at Ikea said they would like photos of the radio presenters for their Ikea Live service, which includes little me.  This is obviously of great concern, cos I'll have to dig out my "Sunday best" for the occasion, instead of the usual "scruffs" that I wear - threadbare old jeans and faded t-shirts, or whatever it is that I find waiting for me to wear when I stagger in semi-conscious into the spare bedroom every morning at 2.20am.

If it's head shot only, then could I be daring and go "commando"?  Nobody's gonna see below the neckline!  Sunday best it is then.  Suggested the photographer takes one of me with the light shining behind, and paper bag over my head, because of my good face for radio.  When it's done on Monday, I'll post a nice picture of me beaming, probably on the next blog.

This week has given me mixed fortunes.   My parents have offered to contribute towards the cost of our anniversary weekend away in September, which is nice - can't believe how quickly our first year of wedded bliss has flown by.  Seems like only the other day I was trembling with fear at the prospect of a speech in front of a sea of bemused faces.

On the flip side, on the phone to a well-known phone company for more hours than I can remember, trying to make them understand what I want.  How many more times do I have to be subjected to Greensleaves on hold, and to be transfered to ANOTHER department with staff who "can't help you sir, sorry, will transfer you, hold the line Mr Clarke!!"  I've decided I need to attend anger management classes.  And breathe.

An introduction....

I've always been known for being late in embracing modern technology.   My mobile phone I bought 4 years ago, although battered and bruised still works.  It's basic - I use it to phone and text, nothing else!  Although, as I am now turning over a new leaf with technology, am tempted to buy a Smartphone....steady on Roger....those moths will appear!

I'm now embracing Twitter with gusto, Audioboo with equal measures of enthusiasm, and now I've created a blog just when everybody else has been blogging since God was a boy.

Anyway, my weekdays consist of sleeping in two stages.  The routine works as follows...
Alarm at 2.20am, struggle out of bed, drive to work, back in bed by 8am, up again at 10.30am, me-time all day, bed again 8pm in readiness for another middle of the night alarm.

Weekdays, I present a radio show for Ikea Live between 04:00 and 07:00 for the co-workers who are "replenishing" (stacking) the shelves with new stock. Weekends,  I present a show for Lloyds Pharmacy Live between 08:30 and 12:00 for the customers and the pharmacy team.  These two channels give me ample opportunity to spout about life around me, and observe the quirky world we live in.

A second string to my bow is as a voice-over artist.  I deliver voice-overs from my home studio for use in radio commercials/training videos/TV narration.  My personal website has details of examples of my work and clients.

When I'm not doing the above, I like to get together with like-minded radio presenters, waffling about favourite play-out systems, jingle packages and "artist of the moment" (he says, combing his greasy parting to one side, and applying specs).