You may now kiss the bride....

Friday was the day of the wedding that everybody in my wife's circle of friends have been talking about for months and finally it was here.   Wendy and Chris were getting married.  A perfect day, with great photos, only hampered by the good old British weather.   Rain, rain and more rain, all day, so lots of lifting of dresses through puddles, and that was just the ushers and the best man!

Naturally, the bride had all the attention that day, but I think the bridesmaids buffed up pretty well, especially the one in the middle - that'll be my wife then.

As always with weddings, timings were running over and the "daytime shift" overlapped into the "evening shift", so just as we were all finishing desert, (not sure about marzipan covering chocolate - should only be allowed to cover fruit cake), the evening guests arrived, and no sooner had they turned up, the Vol-Au-Vents and cheese & pineapple on sticks appeared - sounds like a kids party.

The whole process of who to invite for the whole day and who to include only in the evening is always a source of confusion and amusement.  Obviously your nearest and dearest friends and relatives come along to the whole show, but if you invite someone to the evening only, you can tell by the expression on their faces when they turn up...."Obviously I'm not good enough for all day....TUT"....For God's sake, be thankful you were invited at all.

There's always one complete idiot of a middle-old aged, "should know better" bloke who THINKS he can dance and do all the right moves.  He most certainly does move, but not necessarily all parts at the right time.  He did that run up, like kids do at the school disco, perfectly demonstrated by the comedian Peter Kay.  He skidded on his knees on the shiny floor and promptly crashed into the DJ equipment.   Afterwards the red faced fool limped away having damaged not only his pride but his ankle.  I was told that his night was officially over, and went to the hospital with a sprained ankle.   What a....


Then came The Foundations and "Build me up Buttercup"....that had to be a request from my wife.


As is often the case, I was led astray....Double JD & coke has probably destroyed the last remaining brain cells I have, before long my brain will just be an empty shell.


The last fews days have been somewhat mundane, dog-walking and getting thoroughly soaked.  Met a familiar dog walker today who is due to have her baby NOW.  She was relaxed about the fact she could "pop" any minute....I was far from relaxed, because there were no other dog walkers around at that time, and I don't have any mid-wife skills.  She's due to go to a barn dance this weekend, if she hasn't already popped!  Curry and barn dance - perfect combination for baby's arrival into the world. 

Nerd night

That time of year again.  Every two or three months, a group of radio presenters from stations around the UK get together, famously known as nerds.  Up for discussion, were the usual topics including favourite playout systems, jingle packages and production skills. Basically we bore the pants off eachother and the people in the vacinity, so by the end of the night, it's just left with us in the drinking hole, and as everyone else has been bored to tears, they've voted with their feet!

Swindon was the venue on Friday night - my old home town of nearly twenty years.  Into the centre of town, normally groaning with teenagers taking full advantage of cheap booze, it was decidedly quiet.  I think they were all in the restaurant we had booked into.  The queue was meandering out the door.  It was one of those "all you can eat" Chinese venues which pleased our group.  Several going up for seconds, thirds, etc.  I can only describe it as a school canteen for adults.  It was busy with noise and people walking into you with plates piled high.  Not the place for a first date, but good enough for us.    

Some of the regular "nerds" from the north had dropped out, but we had the usual crowd including top blokes that are Matthew and Alex plus a few newbie additions which was nice.  One of them, a local presenter in Swindon, was clearly multi-talented.  He also owned three pubs in and around the town, and he was clutching keys!

To Old Town we went and perched our bums in the corner of his real ale bar and stayed there all night, until 3.30am exchanging stories.  Charles Nove was doing a hilarious and LOUD "voice-of-the-balls" recital of a text from a listener who was afflicted with paget's disease.  I noticed some very bemused faces from some of the locals.

Saturday morning, and it was a fry up down the local supermarket which did a very effective job of soaking up the previous night's over-indulgence.  How very showbiz.  Ummm.

"Say cheese" or naughty words

Monday was a marginally smarter day for me in the studio as my photo moment had arrived.  See previous post.   The presenter who's on after me, John Griff, is a keen photographer, and he was in early, meaning business.  Next door to my studio he was setting up lighting, screens, and the tripod for the camera.  So after the show, with my "Sunday best" on, I had a lens shoved in my direction at various angles.  For a moment, I felt like a model and all important.  I think the photos are being emailed to bosses at Ikea so they can put a picture to the voice, which will shatter their illusions of masculinity.  Or they'll be used as target practice.

Which is better - mean and moody or the sickly grin?  I was told not to pose wearing headphones, as I look like I'm impersonating an elephant.

Met up with a friend of mine this week who enjoys a few frames of snooker, so went down my local club for exactly that.  Beat him!  Hah!  Not that I'm competitive or anything.  Actually we spent more time gossiping about various people and the annoyances of life, than getting down to the game.  If anybody had overheard us, they probably would have thought - they're like a couple of old moany women.  It's an age thing.  Conversation a bit like this...."What do you think about so and so?"  "Oh I know, I've been thinking that for a while", came the reply.  

I feel sorry for anybody that is obsessional about doing certain things in a certain way, and going over and over the same routine.  A neighbour of mine spent 5 hours washing, vacuuming and polishing his car this week until it gleamed to perfection.  It was fascinating to watch although I didn't spend the whole 5 hours observing through a gap in the curtains.  Honest.  

Photo opportunity

Earlier this week, the lovely guys at Ikea said they would like photos of the radio presenters for their Ikea Live service, which includes little me.  This is obviously of great concern, cos I'll have to dig out my "Sunday best" for the occasion, instead of the usual "scruffs" that I wear - threadbare old jeans and faded t-shirts, or whatever it is that I find waiting for me to wear when I stagger in semi-conscious into the spare bedroom every morning at 2.20am.

If it's head shot only, then could I be daring and go "commando"?  Nobody's gonna see below the neckline!  Sunday best it is then.  Suggested the photographer takes one of me with the light shining behind, and paper bag over my head, because of my good face for radio.  When it's done on Monday, I'll post a nice picture of me beaming, probably on the next blog.

This week has given me mixed fortunes.   My parents have offered to contribute towards the cost of our anniversary weekend away in September, which is nice - can't believe how quickly our first year of wedded bliss has flown by.  Seems like only the other day I was trembling with fear at the prospect of a speech in front of a sea of bemused faces.

On the flip side, on the phone to a well-known phone company for more hours than I can remember, trying to make them understand what I want.  How many more times do I have to be subjected to Greensleaves on hold, and to be transfered to ANOTHER department with staff who "can't help you sir, sorry, will transfer you, hold the line Mr Clarke!!"  I've decided I need to attend anger management classes.  And breathe.

An introduction....

I've always been known for being late in embracing modern technology.   My mobile phone I bought 4 years ago, although battered and bruised still works.  It's basic - I use it to phone and text, nothing else!  Although, as I am now turning over a new leaf with technology, am tempted to buy a Smartphone....steady on Roger....those moths will appear!

I'm now embracing Twitter with gusto, Audioboo with equal measures of enthusiasm, and now I've created a blog just when everybody else has been blogging since God was a boy.

Anyway, my weekdays consist of sleeping in two stages.  The routine works as follows...
Alarm at 2.20am, struggle out of bed, drive to work, back in bed by 8am, up again at 10.30am, me-time all day, bed again 8pm in readiness for another middle of the night alarm.

Weekdays, I present a radio show for Ikea Live between 04:00 and 07:00 for the co-workers who are "replenishing" (stacking) the shelves with new stock. Weekends,  I present a show for Lloyds Pharmacy Live between 08:30 and 12:00 for the customers and the pharmacy team.  These two channels give me ample opportunity to spout about life around me, and observe the quirky world we live in.

A second string to my bow is as a voice-over artist.  I deliver voice-overs from my home studio for use in radio commercials/training videos/TV narration.  My personal website has details of examples of my work and clients.

When I'm not doing the above, I like to get together with like-minded radio presenters, waffling about favourite play-out systems, jingle packages and "artist of the moment" (he says, combing his greasy parting to one side, and applying specs).