Roger Clarke blog....Broadcaster, Voice-overs

Birthday parties and then some....

2012-02-06T10:27:00.000Z

This time of year is replete with kids birthday parties. Namely all the little ones from the ante-natal clinics that the wife and I attended. "All popping out" at near enough the same time has brought about an endless stream of baby sensory parties. Ask me a year ago what "baby sensory" meant, and I would have been puzzled like a puzzled thing. Baby Sensory provides visual development activities that are supposed to be fun for babies and parents. Like a big kid, I gladly took part in blowing bubbles, waving the coloured flags and "flapping around the big ball on the canopy". (Your mind - I know what you're thinking....filth) I think the parents were having more fun than their little ones, who were distracted by poking each other in the eyes, and shuffling off to cause trouble somewhere. After several of these sugar-filled 1st birthday parties, I think I need a diabetes test from a well-known pharmacy. Bring on hyperactive.....mums and dads.

Birthday cake in the early stages of development....

Party time

2011-12-22T16:08:00.001Z

It's been a busy few days....Oscar's 1st birthday which has resulted in even more toys cluttering up the living room....(not that I'm not grateful for gifts). So many pressies, so little space. After all he's been given by friends and family...it's still back to the remote control, the repeated swinging of the puppy gate, and mummy and daddy's telephone for hours of fun and amusement. I did say, at this age, he'd be easily pleased with just a cardboard box, but my wife was having none of it....."SCROOOOGE" came the response.

At the weekend, the arrival of his long-awaited and much planned party. I think my wife went a bit overboard with the invitations, so if you're reading this and thinking to yourself...."I wasn't invited!"....count this as a blessing...for the levels of noise was deafening, and that was just the adults. A local entertainer lady "Jo Jingles" did her thing, and a little circle was formed, out of mums and their little treasures. All eyes and ears on Jo and the many songs with actions! I was doing the manly thing of opting out and observing from afar chatting to my sisters and respective bro-in-laws I'd not seen in a while. After three hours of unstoppable fun, food and squash and handing out the party bags...you see...I am such a big kid....it was time to pile high my boot with all the many birthday pressies for Oscar.

"Oh no, I think I may have man-flu" And sure enough, my Saturday night was spent watching the final of Strictly, feeling very sorry for myself, shivering and sweating alot. Ola Jordan does have that effect on me!

Can he get even more social?

2011-12-13T10:22:00.001Z

Had a nice meal recently with a couple of radio/voiceover pals of mine at my local Indian restaurant in town. We entered nerd territory pretty quickly. As soon as we sat down we started spouting about various playout systems/business world of voiceovers/recession and social networking etc etc. You name it - it was all poured over, and that was before the poppadoms arrived!

I finally agreed, after much hesitation, that I should open a facebook account. Only 4 years late! I've always been reluctant, viewing it as a one dimensional "let's look at people's holiday snaps" site, but I see the benefits in business as well. So you can follow me here.

My mate Natalie has a fancy phone, made from the fruit company (yes, that one) and we got onto the subject of my website. After studying my web page on her phone, she passed on her erudite opinion that, in the words of many a teacher of mine in year's gone by...."could do better". Constructive advice, so came away £25 lighter, but armed with new ideas, so early 2012, there WILL be changes. Watch out.

Oscar's birthday is here. One today. Can't quite believe how time has flown. After so many complications and monitoring of his progress from the moment he was born, he really has thrived and is a healthy strong, cheeky chap who everybody loves.

....So far, he's opened one present, a train which daddy loves, and Oscar's indifferent about...he still keeps going back to his well used toys. His enjoyment of the big day seems to be somewhat suppressed by tiredness, so it's down to bed, and back up later to resume more pressie opening. I suggested that I should give him a box, wrapping paper and cardboard for his birthday and Christmas, stating..."He's not gonna know any different at this age"...said "The Scrooge".

Do you love it or do you hate it?

2011-12-02T17:15:00.000Z

Earlier this week, a cleanup operation was under way after a tanker carrying more than 20 tonnes of Marmite (other yeast extracts are available from all good supermarkets) overturned on the M1 in South Yorkshire closing the motorway for some time.

A spokeswoman for South Yorkshire police said the tanker, which was carrying 23.5 tonnes of Marmite, overturned after being involved in a collision with a caravan.

Inevitably, jokes s-p-r-e-a-d thick and fast...

Radio 4's Today programme was bombarded with joke emails. The best, according to the presenters, read: "Was the Marmite crash on the yeast-bound carriageway?"

....Er no, it was on the M1. M1 doesn't go east you idiot!!

Next....

Radio stations were inundated with comedy comments alongside the puns flooding Twitter.

@Queen_UK (Elizabeth Windsor): "One hates marmite".

Well said marm!

Too much time to kill....

2011-11-03T15:56:00.000Z

Am still on full-time Dad duties which brings it's benefits and it's hurdles.

The obvious benefits being the bonding between father and son. The hurdles - rancid nappies so peg over nose required and the daily coverage of certain children's programmes. Oscar's always got the remote in his mouth so he has control. Everyday is like groundhog day in the Clarke household. He seems to like the intro and outro theme tunes to the programmes, but he's never actually bothered by the content. Whenever he hears that familiar music from the likes of Mr Bloom's Nursery, Charlie & Lola, In the Night Garden etc etc....you get the picture...he starts waving at the telly. He always loves to wave.

He's very routine when it comes to his sleep...without fail, he happily sleeps for about 2hrs in the afternoon which gives me the chance to tweet (far too much nonsense lately)/do voice-overs/or have a TV binge catch-up.

Here he is in his sleep attire....

"Who's a cheeky boy then'

On goes the heating and voice-over stuff

2011-10-18T14:22:00.000+01:00

Well, reluctantly I found myself (with a gun held to my head from OH) puting the heating on for the first time this Autumn. Only a smidgen though, hour in the morning, hour in the evening - watching the pennies.

A broadcaster friend of mine insists on wearing t-shirt and shorts for as long as possible each year, usually between the months of April and end of October, longer if he can stand the legs going blue. Furthermore, the sandals (without socks) are well worn.

As you probably know from previous posts and profile, as well as freelance (whoever will have me disgrace their station airwaves) radio broadcaster, I'm a voice-over artist. My technical set-up is simple, as is often the case when VOs have their own studio facilities. Some go out into the damp shed to record their work, some in the spare bedroom, some even in the downstairs loo - I would have thought this may not be the best idea for acoustics - what with all that ceramic!

I choose the option of a walk-in wardrobe, so I pull back the shirts, skirts and dresses (that's just my collection), and in goes the mic, with perfect soundproofing all around. I then close the door behind me, and hey presto, I'm good to go.

Every year, and for the last two years in Hinkley in Leicestershire, there is a large voice-over get-together/drunken mess of egos selling their voice skills, gaining new contacts and mixing with some legends in the business, and last year I met some jolly nice, and down-to-earth voice artists like Natalie Cooper. She's been in the business since God was a boy, and voices for....well...an abundance of radio and TV clients. As well as juggling domestic harmony with work, she travels, and has recently returned from California where she was a guest presenter, spouting about all the goodness of being a voice-over artist and her experiences.
If you're a voice amateur or professional, live in or near Wiltshire, and would like a good old natter with like-minded voice nerds, then you can tweet me @Roger_Clarke, I'll add your name to the list, and we'll arrange a gathering with drinks and polishing halos!

Holidays. YIPPEE.

2011-09-26T14:52:00.001+01:00

Just enjoyed a week's FREEEE holiday, courtesy of my parents at their place near Kingsbridge in South Devon. They're on permanent holidays (retired), so I've been house-sitting. They live in such a beautiful part of the country with a slipway and creek at the end of the garden, so it's an ever changing and spellbinding scenery. My dog Ruby enjoyed some new places to sniff and squat!

My 2yr wedding anniversary passed by on a slightly less than romantic note. We went to the pub for an evening meal during our stay away, and Oscar cried throughout! I had to rush down my "big boys pie" as the landlord annoyingly described it - it's Steak & Kidney pie....so call it Steak & Kidney pie!! Had hoped for a desert, but the noise levels by this time were so ear shattering, that we had to get the bill and leave quickly with red faces, to the relief and much sighing of the locals. As we walked out, they gave us that look as if to say "Don't you dare darken these doors again"....."came here for a quiet pint, and it was ruined by you".

In summary:- never take a small child or baby to a pub in the evening. He/she is bound to be tired or hungry or both and that spells DISASTER.

My son experienced sand for the first time in his little life and you can imagine the scene.....
He's not quite crawling yet, although he seems to have mastered some kind of attempt at crawling backwards.
So there we were on the beach, and before we knew it, he was picking up hand fulls of sand and examining it briefly before, yes, in it goes, and then....out it comes, along with a scream, wet sand and a lot of dribble.

Yawn yawn, holiday snaps to go on soon.

Nerd greatness

2011-08-10T15:02:00.000+01:00

Another nerd night over with and a fun time had by all - much drinking, good food and good company. This time in sleepy Salisbury. Many of the radio nerds including Matthew Rudd and Martin Kelner had travelled a fair distance from one end of the country to another, so were equally sleepy, but were good company nonetheless.

Usually for nerd night, we attract about 15-20 radio greats from around the country, but as is often the case, a few drop out at the last minute due to cash flow problems, other commitments or it's hair washing night. So a modest 9 turned up this time around - but I must say the right 9. Alex Lester was in top form as usual regailing us with his life stories while standing up. Always amuses me, as if he's teacher and he's making a point. He also gave me good advice for advancing my career in radio.

"Want to get to the top in radio? (while slurping on another pint) Be a TV presenter first".

"Ok then, I'll do that right away", I said. "You make it sound so easy!"

Alex's metereological knowledge is quite extensive as well. Exchanging stories of microlight flying - me being eternally jealous though - he has a PPL, I don't. Nuff said. Also you try saying the word "Metereological" after 5 pints of lager. Slur slur.

Before I knew it, twas' kicking out time at 1.15am, and time to hit the cobbled streets.

What, no fashion sense.

2011-08-03T17:22:00.000+01:00

At the weekend, I saw a friend of mine and sat in his garden during the brief moments of summer we're having. In the privacy of his garden, I decided to take my top off and be like a typical British sun-worshipper....go red raw in the short space of an afternoon without any sun protection. Not big and not clever.

I would say though that my sense of fashion seems somewhat better than my mate.....there he was, also without top on, but shorts, bright white shiny trainers, and black socks! That's a definite no no in my limited fashion knowledge. You just don't wear black socks with white trainers, especially if you're wearing shorts. Thank goodness for the private garden. If I was walking down the street and he was wearing that 'combo', I'd have to politely cross the street, or deny knowing this fella.

My ego once again gets the better of me, and I'm attaching a professional looking photos of ME, sat in my studio at work, looking thoughtful for once, preparing to talk sh*te in between the tooones. Photos were taken by a very adept photographer that is Dave Woollatt.

Well, all booked up for the radio nerd night. I've probably explained before, but myself and a bunch of radio nerds/geeks/anoraks meet up every two or three months at some random location around the UK, and discuss the world and his wife - also jingle packages and radio play-out systems if we're really honest. Next stop....Salisbury. Will report back after liver has recovered.

Off you go Son...

2011-06-30T16:02:00.001+01:00

The time has come for that dreaded decision to put Oscar into his own room....Do we/don't we?.....is it too early?....maybe we should wait another couple of weeks?

Opinion differs on this subject. Some would say, "Yeah, we put ....into his/her room within a couple of weeks, never did them any harm". Others say "We decided six months is about the right time, so we tried it....he/she screamed endlessly and is now back in with us"....

Well, we must have a model baby. Either that, or he was just ready to be in his own room, cos we tried it out last weekend, and he slept right through the night. Same the following night etc etc.....think he likes the peace and quiet and not hearing Mummy snore loudly right next to him and all that talking she does in her sleep. You'd think she does enough talking during waking hours! I can blame her cos she's not here right now to defend herself!

To Swindon last weekend to visit a friend of mine, Ian, who's just bought himself a new house - four bedrooms with ensuite the lot, huge garden, conservatory....and it's just him living in the house. Don't get me started. It's got "a lot of potential"...said the estate agent, which in their language means "it's falling apart - avoid like the plague".

Seriously, it's a house with so much work needed. I think the previous owners either ran out of money or just gave up fixing things, cos it's an absolute wreck but will look like a dream home I'm sure once it's restored to it's original beauty. The kitchen needs to be ripped out and started again, and the wallpaper (brown and orange) dates back to 1980 when the house was built. Makes you want to vomit, and if you did vomit on the walls, you probably wouldn't notice the stain. I'm sure Ian will "throw his wealth" at the house and it'll look lovely before long.....(just jealous!)

Here's Oscar sat in his favourite armchair which looks a bit like a potty. Notice him straining? Pop a vein.

Anyway, back to the box to watch Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon and listen to some more grunting? Do you think she grunts in everything she does?

Archive photos

2011-06-18T16:03:00.000+01:00

Back in February, a group of us radio nerds/geeks/anoraks travelled to York, one of the UK's most beautiful cities. This was another venue for our nerd night.

Here are some old photos I forgot to upload earlier.

First one of a very swollen River Ouse....

York Minster, as viewed from the circular city wall....

...and Clifford's Tower.

Nerds and puree

2011-05-30T14:00:00.002+01:00

Been an eventful month.

Start of May saw another radio gathering of nerds and geeks. Manchester was the venue and a fun time was had by all. Very often just the faithful few turn up to this bi-monthly meet-up, but this time around, there was a healthy turn out of nerds from all corners of the UK including the usual stalwarts Matthew Rudd, Alex Lester, Charles Nove and Simon Hurst. A good Italian meal was followed by a quick walk in the pouring rain (remember - it's Manchester - it always rains) to the nearest pub for more booze. The following day, we had the obligatory "all you can eat" full fat fry-up for £7.99 and still go back for more.

Friend of mine, Dave Woollatt took these fab photos of Manchester during our visit including Old Trafford ground from across the water at Salford Quays.

Here's Matt Barton giving me one of those "bear" hugs. He nearly squeezed the life out of me.

On the baby front.....

Jo and I were given the green light by out mid-wife to start "weening" Oscar - so now's the time to laminate everything or cover everything in plastic sheeting to protect against the spray.

Basically we now puree fruit and veg to within an inch of it's life. So far Oscar seems to be loving his food, he'll eat anything - sure it won't be long before he starts to become fussy. Some weird food combinations are in his feed like......spinach, apple & swede and sweet potato, broccoli and carrot. The "spinach combo" looks like something the dog deposited, but pureed version. We try not to turn our noses up in disgust. Whatever the appearance and taste, we just aim the spoon in his direction and "yuuuuum, this is luvvvvvly Oscar", "you'll like this one" (churn goes the stomach!)

Couldn't resist showing you this cheeky one of Oscar doing his best Les Dawson impression....

BBQ season is upon us

2011-05-05T15:29:00.000+01:00

Firstly, my years of saving has finally paid off. Picked up the shiny new car recently. Without advertising the make and model - it's the car that was a great source of much derision back in the 80's, but blimey, this car has come on leaps and bounds since. The boot space is amazingly huge, and thank goodness I don't need to remove the parcel shelf every time I want to squeeze the pram into the back...like I had to in my old rust bucket. It's also got gadgets! Most of which I probably won't need or use. The owner's manual resembles "war and peace". When I've got far too much time on my hands, which isn't much recently - maybe in between baby feeds...I'll pour over what I can find on lighting and instruments! The excitement is almost too much to bear!

On the subject of cars, maybe I'm being paranoid but I'm just waiting for some idiot to bash into my car - maybe I should design some bubble wrap to neatly cover the whole car, while still being able to drive - sounds like an idea for Dragon's Den...to be scoffed at. Some t**t decided to thrust open their passenger door into my driver's side the other day while I was in the car waiting for "the wife"....I was seething and nearly had a "Victor Meldrew" moment. Anger management required.

Went to Swindon last weekend for a family bbq which was stressful, not because of present company but Oscar screamed and screamed and rarely stopped for a breath. When he did go quiet, it was time to shove some meat down my neck as fast as possible until he woke for another screaming session. Thank goodness for handy sisters to share the pain and take it in turn to wind Oscar.

Today, we had a health visitor round to the house, who discussed "weening". Is that how you spell it? Oscar is now at the age when he can "go solid" in more ways than one. If he's anything like me, he'll love his food and it won't even touch the sides when it goes down. Let's just hope it stays down....

Here are some photos of a Royal Wedding flavour......Family came round for salty snacks and sugary treats. Course the burning question is...."What DID Harry say to his bruv?".....We all came to the conclusion......"I got in there first".

The Clarke clan....

Escape to the pub...

2011-04-06T15:03:00.000+01:00

....Sounds like a new idea for daytime tv?! Maybe I could suggest it in the new tv scheduling.

Recently my kind-hearted parents-in-law took on the parenting, nappy changing, winding, mopping up sick duties, while me and Jo headed off into town with mates, drank beer, ate curry and were all ears to a music gig fronted by a talented mate, Rob Crisp, who's plays in a couple of bands as drummer (and what a drummer he is). He plays all over the south of England, and Salisbury was the venue this time around with his tribute band. All genres of music with stuff from childhood and the present day resounding around the pub. It was quite late when we arrived, as we had spent so much time in the pub pouring over radio, radio and more radio conversation. This bores my wife senseless, and she kindly suggested that we keep radio talk exclusively to the nerd nights and nowhere else......yawn yawn. When we moved on from the curry house to the pub, the atmosphere was already electric and buzzing to the sound of the throbbing band. I noticed that practically everybody in the pub, young and old were drunk! A great end to the night.

One sting in the tail was that our first night off from Oscar duties, was blighted by the clocks going forward an hour, so by the time we rolled in to bed after much curry and booze, and having to be up at a decent hour to collect Oscar, we'd had no extra sleep. DOH!

On Mother's Day, the entire Clarke household got together in Swindon for nosh. This is my nephew Josh, holding Oscar, with dummy plugged in for noise reduction purposes.

Here he is again, balling his eyes out, but surrounded by his girlfriends at another "New mums meet-up". Basically an opportunity for them to slate their useless husbands while gorging on cake and other sugary treats. Five babies all crying at once in one room sounds like my idea of torture. Keep well away.

My lasting memory of Mother's Day was my Dad. He was wearing an ill-fitting new(ish) fleece he picked up from a shop that he claims wasn't from a charity shop. The fleece was a medium and my Dad isn't. Think new wardrobe is in order.

More baby news...

2011-03-08T14:51:00.000Z

Little Oscar's been weighed again - could be contender for heavyweight champ. He's been on another growth spurt/feeding frenzy - mainly at night time, when Mum & Dad are still trying to get some shut-eye. See ever growing bags under dark eyes. He's now a healthy 11Ib 5oz, although subject to change very quickly due to the amount he guzzles.

He's now reached another milestone - I think he's actually now smiling and not just because he has awful wind. Last week he did the most spectacular poo (this is the main topic of conversation these days as a new parent - comparing poos!). It had spread so far and wide around his body, we had to cut his vest of and destroy it. The stench......dizzzzgusting!!
That Chicken Tikka Masala is now not quite so appealing.

Friend of mine said recently...his face is now the shape of a full moon....not sure if that's a compliment. Suggestion of "right porker" me thinks. I retorted....your face has the completion of the moon...all pitted with craters....he's got broad shoulders!

While you're on my blog, check out my voice-over website.....for all your voice-over needs go to www.smooth-voiceover.co.uk.

Family knighthood

2011-02-07T15:30:00.000Z

At the weekend I had a welcome visit from my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews. They turned up with cake in hand, which was devoured within minutes of their arrival, washed down with tea. My 7yr old nephew Dan was most excited as he hadn't met little Oscar before, and the last time we had a visit from the family, he was unable to come due to a cold. He decided to throw a tantrum as he was missing out last time.

Oscar was passed quite happily from one family member to another, each enjoying a cuddle until my other nephew, Josh, announced he could smell something horrid and has a warm feeling on his leg. I think he was still holding Oscar at the time. The red "pop a vein in the forehead" expression on his face was an instant give away on my son's face.

Dan was telling me about the occasion recently when he was accidentally knighted at school to become sports captain. A strange ritual that I'm sure I didn't go through in the 80's, but then I was never a very "sporty" child. I was always stuck in goal, as I was useless on the pitch. Those cold winter days, I'd wait for what would seem like an eternity for the ball to come in my direction, and then with my arms outstretched and shivering, I'd try in vain to catch the ball. Then I was cursed by my team for being useless. I was always better at softy sports like tennis and running.

Anyway I digress, back to Dan's knighthood.....

He told us all at the weekend, much to our amusement, he was recently given a "knighthood by accident" at school. The question by the headmaster was posed "Who would like to volunteer to become sports captain, and in recognition of this, receive a knighthood?" At the timely moment, Dan had an itch and scratched his head, and all of a sudden...he was knighted!

Here's Josh and Dan enjoying a moment with their sleepy cousin.

Babies, boys and their toys and bills

2011-02-02T15:11:00.000Z

As a proud new parent to little Oscar, the bags under my now dark eyes are quite well developed. Bags large enough to cater for the England Cricket team. My wife and I are enjoying being new parents....on the whole!

Whenever we have a conversation with anyone and everyone about babies, and tell them about our new born, the common question is "Is he sleeping through the night yet?".....and the common answer we give is "No, but I'm sure we'll get there"....What we need, when someone asks that age-old predictable question, is a button or a lever on our body which we just press for the appropriate response.

On the subject of sleep deprivation, Oscar still hasn't grasped the notion of being more awake during the day and sleeping at night. Although we have to constantly remind ourselves that we can't expect too much from Oscar as he did arrive seven weeks early and is still new-born. No new-born sleeps all through the night...unless they've been sedated!

My radio shows over the last few weeks have been aided by plenty of coffee and food to keep me alert and awake. I make a concerted effort to talk more in between the songs, otherwise, I'll nod off.

Cars....

Now that our family circumstances have changed, for an absolute age, I have been promising my wife, I'll invest in a new car. It's time to say goodbye to my "motorised shopping trolley" that has taken me the equivalent distance of halfway to the moon! It's served me well but after thumbing through countless glossy car mags I decided to "go hunting"......I drove to Oxford to test drive a new car, the one that back in the 80s was much ridiculed and mocked for being an appalling car and an embarrassment! It's now got a fine reputation and after a must-have VAT free deal plus a couple of extras, I signed on the dotted line. My wallet opened for the first time in a while. Moths appeared and am still feeling shaky and light-headed from the whole ordeal.

I'm sure I'll keep it until I've clocked up another equivalent trip to the moon.

Bills.....

As if the pain of parting with cash for a new car hasn't hurt enough, I've now been reminded of an outstanding tax bill due now. Time for a lie down.

One of my favourite photos at the moment.....

Back home with a little addition

2011-01-07T12:28:00.001Z

I've been a little lapse in updating the blog as often I would normally for this reason:-

The three weeks have been somewhat hectic in the Clarke world. On Monday 14 December, little baby Oscar arrived in to our lives, seven weeks early. A huge surprise, but a very pleasant surprise just in time for Christmas. He obviously wanted to be the centre of attention. The Sunday afternoon before we were having lunch with the in-laws and Jo was starting to complain of cramps (nothing to do with my sub-standard cooking). The pain became worse and before long she was doubled up on the sofa. Jo's mum said "couple of paracetamols should sort you out". They didn't. "I'M IN LABOUR, GET ME TO HOSPITAL QUICK", came the desperate cry. I had already had a "skinful" by the that stage and having sunk a whole bottle of red to myself, was in no fit state to drive. So father in law drove like the clappers to hospital.

Throughout the seemingly long and painful labour process (12 hours in all), I sat by Jo's bedside saying all the right things that fathers-to-be are supposed to say.

"You're doing well"....."Keep pushing, we're nearly there"...."Go on Jo, you're doing great".

Jo in response looked at me with disdain, adding "You stink of stale booze!"....and she was right. I was fully aware of the stale wine aroma wafting across the theatre room every time I spoke. I'm convinced I had looks of disapproval from the mid-wives....They probably thought "What a great start to a son's life....an irresponsible alcoholic father!"

Finally after much pouring of sweat and tears, Oscar arrived at 4.32am on the Monday weighing in at a tiny 4lbs 13oz.

Since that day, mother and baby had to stay in hospital for monitoring as he was so premature. He was all wired up, and being fed through tubes down his nose. The menu that Jo was subjected to at the hospital was probably the same as every other NHS hospital in the UK - predictable and tasteless. "Let's play a game of find the meat"....

...Here are some cute photos of newborn Oscar....

Tis the season to be....

2010-12-07T17:02:00.000Z

.....watching the pennies.

As you may know, I'm very slow in being organised for Christmas. My wife has bought presents for all and sundry, and they are wrapped up neatly and packed away from prying eyes until the big day. I'm like a big kid, itching to find out what deodrant my wife's got me!.....only joking. In the Clarke family, we've been celebrating Christmas in a frugal (tight) way for many years now. A name gets picked out the hat, and in this season of giving and big-heartedness you spend.....to the value of £30....no higher. I picked out my sister and bro-in-law. They've opted for a fancy food processor which probably costs more, but I'm contributing £30 towards it. Who said the thrill and excitement of Christmas goes out the window when you get older. On Jo's side of the family, the usual tradition is to be very competitive and spend sh*t loads. Every Christmas is the same...on the day itself, you unwrap these "gifts" and pretend to like them by saying....."Just what I was looking for...thank you SO much", whilst trying to be as sincere as possible. You can pretty much guarantee somebody's bought you the wrong type of moisteriser and you just smile sweetly. The wife is annoyed with her wrong gifts as well.

In my opinion, quality is better than quantity. So I've bought my wife just one gift....I say "bought".....What I actually mean is...."given"......he/she is due end of January! Saves on the wallet! That's the frugal Clarke in me once again. You wait till baby arrives, then my wallet will be opening regularly.

Here's a couples of snowy pictures of my little border terrier, Ruby....aaaah!

"Tightening every fifteen minutes"...and other curious statements....

2010-11-15T15:28:00.000Z

Wednesday last week saw my wife and I attend the first of four ante-natal classes. Session 1 - "Heavy breathing". The two likeable and talkative mid-wives who have probably delivered more babies than devoured hot dinners were doing a spectacular and very amusing demonstration on how the mum-to-be should breathe as they near delivery. Think these ladies would be good contenders for a certain 0898 call centre. There were five other couples in the room listening intently to the mid-wives. It wasn't just a case of - they talk, we listen...but get interactive. Yikes...Daunting stuff! It was like a workshop affair where each person in the room was given a card with a familiar pregnancy scenario. You read it out, and discuss. Mine "Tightening every fifteen minutes" caused some amusing reaction from the blokes....
"That's what got my wife into this condition in the first place!...." (childish sniggers all round & high symbol required).
Another bloke held up his card...."My pants are wet". He was then promptly given directions to the toilet....So again, sniggers insued....The seemingly foreign language used to describe female bits were quite baffling. "I have a show" was on another card. I have a show....weekday mornings between 4 and 7!

Friday night, and it was that time of year again. Radio nerd night - this time, in York.
A beautiful city that I have only heard good things about. Much culture and decorative architecture but admittedly didn't view too much on the Friday night - just the inside of a couple of pubs. Company good as always, and the food and drink were in plentiful supply. I made the stupid mistake of not being greedy, assuming I'd only be paying for what I ate - how wrong was I? The bill was divided equally among everybody, so I paid £28 for burger, chips, salad and a pint. I should have gorged on the menu and paid the same amount. Breakfast time and I got talking to Alex about his love of flying. I share his passion but the difference being, I don't have a microlight licence. After 18 months of training at an airfield in the Midlands, he is the proud owner of a Private Pilots licence, and flies whenever the British weather allows. How green with envy am I! I used to fly the flex-wing version back in the early 90s but had to quit just before doing the solo lessons, as it was becoming too costly. With a baby on the way, I think my priorities are somewhat diverted away from flying for now. Try again in about 18 years when our baby has hopefully left home and gone to uni.

Photos of nerdiness to follow...

"Oh you shouldn't have".....and other stuff

2010-10-27T15:09:00.000+01:00

Last week, I heard the worrying news that my Uncle Malcolm had suffered an acute stroke. He'd not been well for probably the best part of 18 months, and friends and family have been rallying around and visiting him frequently in hospital. The latest is that he's slowly recovering. Apparently he's aware of what's going on around him, but it's a case of two steps forward, one step back at the moment. Thoughts and prayers go to him and the family at this time of anguish.

Ever since my wife and I made the announcement to all and sundry that we're expecting our first baby together, friends and family have been more than generous with their gifts of practicality for our new arrival. Nursery bits and pieces have arrived in abundance, some welcome, some frankly have seen better days. Without naming names and clearly getting myself in deep brown stuff, what I do object to, is when my wife sees a certain person, and without fail, she'll come back armed with more useful items (rubbish) for the nursery. There is only so much we can fit into our house and soon it'll be bursting with "hand-me downs" I think we may have to put the house on the market and look for a bigger property! By the way, we didn't want to spoil the surprise - so no, we don't know if it's pink or blue! So neutral colours adorn the nursery.

A radio acquaintance of mine that I see on the "radio nerd nights" (refer back to previous posts) has just passed his flying exams and is now the proud owner of a PPL on microlights. It has taken him 18 months of concentration, many hours of training and much draining of the bank account to reach this stage and I'm green with envy. 18 months is actually not long at all, considering the constant interruption to flying time from our changeable British weather. I'm envious because back in the early 90's when I had no commitments/responsibilities/cares in the world - I trained at a local flying club near Swindon to become a microlight pilot. I had many lessons and almost reached a level of competency to go solo, but I ran out of money, so had to put my passion for flying on hold. It's a very expensive hobby but well worth it in the end. Maybe one day, when our baby has grown up and left home! Then I can re-consider flying if the kids haven't sucked money out of me like a vampire.

Pops birthday & "old faces" meet-up

2010-10-13T12:55:00.000+01:00

Last Saturday it was my Dad's 65th birthday, so he's now able to collect his pension and enjoy all the other trappings and benefits being "old" brings. Mind you he's been using a bus pass for a while now - anything to save the pennies eh Dad?! The whole family tribe got together on Sunday at a big family pub near Swindon. Catering for everybody's needs, even for the tiniest members of any given family with grubby looking high chairs that had frankly seen better days. Sunday being Carvery day, me and the wife had to be awkward and choose something off the regular menu. A huge plate of Beef and Guiness Pie with veg and tatties. The pie crust almost covered the surface area of the plate with a whole load of meat underneath, so well worth the £8.50 I paid. Good food, nice company and then back to my sisters for homemade calorie laden cream cake!

Prior to this, on my radio show I'd been asking for the listener (being the perfect search engine audience) to submit their suggestions for birthday gift ideas for my Dad. In the past I've always asked him what he'd like, and I duly buy him what he wants, and there's no element of surprise or excitement. Last year I seem to remember contributing towards the cost of a blood pressure testing monitor. Sexy! Not the obvious gift idea that springs to mind. Practical!! - it's what he wanted, so that's what he got. I can always rely on the creative juices flowing from the co-workers at Ikea during my radio show. I had suggestions for:-

Skydiving voucher
Viagra tablets (both of these ideas giving a "rush", but in vastly different ways.)
Bigger medicine cabinet
Box of drugs

Sadly in the end, as amusing as the suggestions were, I don't think he would have appreciated them, so in the end I gave him money. He couldn't decide what he wanted, so an envelope was handed to him during our pub lunch. Bet he wishes he was a kid again when birthdays were so much more fun!

Out of the blue the other day, I had an email from a friend of mine wanting to meet up. I've not seen him in about ten years I think. Andy's living in Glasgow now working for a drinks company, and gets to enjoy the obvious benefits that go with the territory. Nice work if you can get it. Every now and then, he has to sample new drinks which must be a real burden! He's been trying to meet up with some "old faces", me being one of those old faces.

Very nice to meet up with him, and his kids, Rachel and David who I've not met before. Pub lunch was the order of the day, and a walkabout near Salisbury Cathedral. Decided not to go inside as we saw the prices on the door! Quite happy to admire the view from the outside. I think the kids enjoyed their little tour of the City, although I'm not so sure about David...

Already been a year...

2010-09-30T16:00:00.000+01:00

It was our anniversary weekend last weekend. An eventful time was had, and not necessarily for all the right reasons. We booked into a hotel in Bath, very conveniently situated within 5 minutes walk from the train station which is always a bonus. The staff were friendly and polite, however not the same can be said about some of the hotel residents. Unfortunately a stag party of five had booked into the same hotel, the same weekend and on the same floor, in a couple of rooms opposite. I sound like I'm "old before my time", but the noise was deafening both nights we were there. Shouting, screaming, general loutish behaviour - "right thugs" or "yobs" as my parents would describe. My normally calm, mild manner was replaced with an outburst having been subjected to this level of noise for quite some time. The anger churning up inside me was too much to bear, so out came this tirade of colourful language (again, something my parents would say), and a sort of round-about apology came back. On refection, I should have just phoned down to reception and asked them to sort out the noise.

Down for breakfast the following morning, Jo and I quickly scuttled off down stairs to avoid an embarrassing meeting in the corridor. Only to be greeted by several buckets in the lounge area collecting water from above. It transpired one of the "stag drunks" had managed to break the toilet cistern, and water gushed freely down into the hotel room below and eventually into the lounge area on the ground floor. In causing all this destruction, he ended up in A&E bleeding hideously. So in conclusion, a bit of a blight on our romantic weekend away. Here are some photos taken while wandering the streets of Bath. Couldn't resist some poses!......

Back to earth with a bang this week with car problems once again.
The heat shield over the exhaust has been rattling for weeks and I finally got it replaced. £61 later down my local garage. I have a special relationship with them, I think I spend more time with them than I do my wife. They welcome me with open arms and £ signs in their eyes. "Mr Clarke, nice to see you....again. What can we do for you this time?" My overall aim is to keep my rust bucket on the road for about another four or five months before replacing it with NEW in March/April time 2011. I've never bought NEW before, and so many people keep offering their opinions, some unwelcome ones, but I want to hold on to my new car for many years, so depreciation - doesn't worry me. Keep saving then Rog. My wife would sometimes like to see me open my wallet. I wonder where I get that from?

Been a "sturdy" week

2010-09-09T16:39:00.004+01:00

For those who know me, you would have heard me waffle a lot on the latest developments with my wife. She's 4 months pregnant and now "showing". Earlier this week while walking the dog, (see cute picky from previous post), I got chatting with one of my wife's friends, and she commented on how she is "blooming" and "glowing". Curious expressions which only get used to describe someone pregnant. The other day in a spontaneous moment of romance, the wife threw her arms around me and said "You're quite sturdy now aren't you"......It was one of those "....and then the room fell silent" moments. I still don't know if I should take that as a compliment. Think the dictionary definition of sturdy should inflate my ego though.

Pregnancy (or otherwise) can cause embarrassment though. I recall an awkward moment my wife's dentist had recently. Obviously, most of the time, the dentist would only see his patients for the annual check-ups, so body changes can occur! Conversation went something like "Oh, you're looking radiant....any day now!"......long pause and face like thunder....."I'm not pregnant" came the reply....Oooops.

Not a good week for a friend of mine. Driving to Liverpool up the M5, he got pulled over by the police, and read his "rights", and to be told he's been driving without car insurance since April. Nowadays, special technology in their cars allow them to be able to find out all your personal details just by scanning the number plate. At car renewal time, said friend arranged another 12 months on the internet, and was given some reference number by the company, only for them to deny issuing this number. Transpires that he wasn't astute enough to realise he hadn't been charged the annual premium on his Visa. Five months passed by and had forgotton about it, only to be reminded by the police at side of the M5 in Warwickshire. Ooops. What's more disturbing, he's an accountant. If he can't sort out his own finances, who can? He's waiting to see if he'll be charged or let off due to an honest mistake on his part. £800 later, he got his car back....how's your week been?

Pint and a half

2010-09-02T15:04:00.004+01:00

The weekend involved beer with a friend in the sunshine and puting the "world to rights". How come we seem to be able to competently solve the major issues of the world over a pint? Recently "That Mitchell and Webb look" did an amusing sketch on this in their latest series. Something to do with important decision making over a pint an a half. More than this, and the brain becomes addled and fuzzy, and given the position of power, you destroy the world with hasty choices.

This week my patience levels have been tested to the extreme with the comings and goings of our next-door neighbours. Probably a sweeping statement, but whenever there's rented property nearby, you know the place is never going to be looked after properly. The current tenants decided at 12.30am on Tuesday that they would load their belongings into the back of a van. Banging, crashing and scraping of heavy items from one end of the van to the other, ensued for 2hrs. So instead of waking at 2.20am for my regular early start, I was woken abruptly from 12.30am and seething with rage until I left for work. We now have new tennants, but the old ones still keep coming back. Who has a key? Everybody it would seem. Do you have a key? I'm onto the landlord later to have a Victor Meldew rant.....Oh and I've just noticed the new tennants have not one but FOUR cats. I'm sure they'll soon be dumping their load in our garden!

Walking the dog a lot this week has seen me attempt to reverse the onset of "fat watch". The pasties afterwards haven't helped though. Back to decision making: Chatting to other dog walkers when you're with your dog is another way of achieving best results. Maybe politicians should adopt this approach, "walk the dog followed by a pint an a half". Must surely be better than sitting in a stuffy House of Commons dithering.

Just cos I like it, here's a picture of my walking companion again....

You may now kiss the bride....

2010-08-26T14:05:00.007+01:00

Friday was the day of the wedding that everybody in my wife's circle of friends have been talking about for months and finally it was here. Wendy and Chris were getting married. A perfect day, with great photos, only hampered by the good old British weather. Rain, rain and more rain, all day, so lots of lifting of dresses through puddles, and that was just the ushers and the best man!

Naturally, the bride had all the attention that day, but I think the bridesmaids buffed up pretty well, especially the one in the middle - that'll be my wife then.

As always with weddings, timings were running over and the "daytime shift" overlapped into the "evening shift", so just as we were all finishing desert, (not sure about marzipan covering chocolate - should only be allowed to cover fruit cake), the evening guests arrived, and no sooner had they turned up, the Vol-Au-Vents and cheese & pineapple on sticks appeared - sounds like a kids party.

The whole process of who to invite for the whole day and who to include only in the evening is always a source of confusion and amusement. Obviously your nearest and dearest friends and relatives come along to the whole show, but if you invite someone to the evening only, you can tell by the expression on their faces when they turn up...."Obviously I'm not good enough for all day....TUT"....For God's sake, be thankful you were invited at all.

There's always one complete idiot of a middle-old aged, "should know better" bloke who THINKS he can dance and do all the right moves. He most certainly does move, but not necessarily all parts at the right time. He did that run up, like kids do at the school disco, perfectly demonstrated by the comedian Peter Kay. He skidded on his knees on the shiny floor and promptly crashed into the DJ equipment. Afterwards the red faced fool limped away having damaged not only his pride but his ankle. I was told that his night was officially over, and went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. What a....

Then came The Foundations and "Build me up Buttercup"....that had to be a request from my wife.

As is often the case, I was led astray....Double JD & coke has probably destroyed the last remaining brain cells I have, before long my brain will just be an empty shell.

The last fews days have been somewhat mundane, dog-walking and getting thoroughly soaked. Met a familiar dog walker today who is due to have her baby NOW. She was relaxed about the fact she could "pop" any minute....I was far from relaxed, because there were no other dog walkers around at that time, and I don't have any mid-wife skills. She's due to go to a barn dance this weekend, if she hasn't already popped! Curry and barn dance - perfect combination for baby's arrival into the world.

Nerd night

2010-08-19T13:21:00.000+01:00

That time of year again. Every two or three months, a group of radio presenters from stations around the UK get together, famously known as nerds. Up for discussion, were the usual topics including favourite playout systems, jingle packages and production skills. Basically we bore the pants off eachother and the people in the vacinity, so by the end of the night, it's just left with us in the drinking hole, and as everyone else has been bored to tears, they've voted with their feet!

Swindon was the venue on Friday night - my old home town of nearly twenty years. Into the centre of town, normally groaning with teenagers taking full advantage of cheap booze, it was decidedly quiet. I think they were all in the restaurant we had booked into. The queue was meandering out the door. It was one of those "all you can eat" Chinese venues which pleased our group. Several going up for seconds, thirds, etc. I can only describe it as a school canteen for adults. It was busy with noise and people walking into you with plates piled high. Not the place for a first date, but good enough for us.

Some of the regular "nerds" from the north had dropped out, but we had the usual crowd including top blokes that are Matthew and Alex plus a few newbie additions which was nice. One of them, a local presenter in Swindon, was clearly multi-talented. He also owned three pubs in and around the town, and he was clutching keys!

To Old Town we went and perched our bums in the corner of his real ale bar and stayed there all night, until 3.30am exchanging stories. Charles Nove was doing a hilarious and LOUD "voice-of-the-balls" recital of a text from a listener who was afflicted with paget's disease. I noticed some very bemused faces from some of the locals.

Saturday morning, and it was a fry up down the local supermarket which did a very effective job of soaking up the previous night's over-indulgence. How very showbiz. Ummm.

"Say cheese" or naughty words

2010-08-12T16:44:00.002+01:00

Monday was a marginally smarter day for me in the studio as my photo moment had arrived. See previous post. The presenter who's on after me, John Griff, is a keen photographer, and he was in early, meaning business. Next door to my studio he was setting up lighting, screens, and the tripod for the camera. So after the show, with my "Sunday best" on, I had a lens shoved in my direction at various angles. For a moment, I felt like a model and all important. I think the photos are being emailed to bosses at Ikea so they can put a picture to the voice, which will shatter their illusions of masculinity. Or they'll be used as target practice.

Which is better - mean and moody or the sickly grin? I was told not to pose wearing headphones, as I look like I'm impersonating an elephant.

Met up with a friend of mine this week who enjoys a few frames of snooker, so went down my local club for exactly that. Beat him! Hah! Not that I'm competitive or anything. Actually we spent more time gossiping about various people and the annoyances of life, than getting down to the game. If anybody had overheard us, they probably would have thought - they're like a couple of old moany women. It's an age thing. Conversation a bit like this...."What do you think about so and so?" "Oh I know, I've been thinking that for a while", came the reply.

I feel sorry for anybody that is obsessional about doing certain things in a certain way, and going over and over the same routine. A neighbour of mine spent 5 hours washing, vacuuming and polishing his car this week until it gleamed to perfection. It was fascinating to watch although I didn't spend the whole 5 hours observing through a gap in the curtains. Honest.

Photo opportunity

2010-08-06T13:08:00.000+01:00

Earlier this week, the lovely guys at Ikea said they would like photos of the radio presenters for their Ikea Live service, which includes little me. This is obviously of great concern, cos I'll have to dig out my "Sunday best" for the occasion, instead of the usual "scruffs" that I wear - threadbare old jeans and faded t-shirts, or whatever it is that I find waiting for me to wear when I stagger in semi-conscious into the spare bedroom every morning at 2.20am.

If it's head shot only, then could I be daring and go "commando"? Nobody's gonna see below the neckline! Sunday best it is then. Suggested the photographer takes one of me with the light shining behind, and paper bag over my head, because of my good face for radio. When it's done on Monday, I'll post a nice picture of me beaming, probably on the next blog.

This week has given me mixed fortunes. My parents have offered to contribute towards the cost of our anniversary weekend away in September, which is nice - can't believe how quickly our first year of wedded bliss has flown by. Seems like only the other day I was trembling with fear at the prospect of a speech in front of a sea of bemused faces.

On the flip side, on the phone to a well-known phone company for more hours than I can remember, trying to make them understand what I want. How many more times do I have to be subjected to Greensleaves on hold, and to be transfered to ANOTHER department with staff who "can't help you sir, sorry, will transfer you, hold the line Mr Clarke!!" I've decided I need to attend anger management classes. And breathe.

An introduction....

2010-08-05T16:34:00.000+01:00

I've always been known for being late in embracing modern technology. My mobile phone I bought 4 years ago, although battered and bruised still works. It's basic - I use it to phone and text, nothing else! Although, as I am now turning over a new leaf with technology, am tempted to buy a Smartphone....steady on Roger....those moths will appear!

I'm now embracing Twitter with gusto, Audioboo with equal measures of enthusiasm, and now I've created a blog just when everybody else has been blogging since God was a boy.

Anyway, my weekdays consist of sleeping in two stages. The routine works as follows...
Alarm at 2.20am, struggle out of bed, drive to work, back in bed by 8am, up again at 10.30am, me-time all day, bed again 8pm in readiness for another middle of the night alarm.

Weekdays, I present a radio show for Ikea Live between 04:00 and 07:00 for the co-workers who are "replenishing" (stacking) the shelves with new stock. Weekends, I present a show for Lloyds Pharmacy Live between 08:30 and 12:00 for the customers and the pharmacy team. These two channels give me ample opportunity to spout about life around me, and observe the quirky world we live in.

A second string to my bow is as a voice-over artist. I deliver voice-overs from my home studio for use in radio commercials/training videos/TV narration. My personal website has details of examples of my work and clients.

When I'm not doing the above, I like to get together with like-minded radio presenters, waffling about favourite play-out systems, jingle packages and "artist of the moment" (he says, combing his greasy parting to one side, and applying specs).